Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Worries

WARNING...NOT a happy post.

I just learned on Friday that my boss has a lump on his throat. His uncle got throat cancer at exactly my boss' age, and his father did to...needless to say the chances for the tumor being malignant are high. My boss is 38 and has a 10 year old step daughter, and a 2 year old daughter. He acts as if he's not concerned, he says that if God decided that he should go early, then so be it. I wonder how he really feels. I sure can't imagine how it feels to be in his shoes. He is going to have a biopsy next week. I am really worried.

Death scares me. Let me rephrase that, the idea of people close to me dying scare me. My father's death a year and a half ago has been really hard for me. It was totally unexpected, and I was far from him and wasn't able to go back to France on time for his funeral. I was really close to him. I miss him enormously.

Husby dreamed that he died about a month ago. It was not painful he said..he just realized that he had died. The feeling of emptiness that I felt when my father passed instantly came back to me. I could almost touch it. I became really upset, I had to calm myself down and remind myself that he was healthy and right there next to me. I also can't stand suspens when I am Instant Messaging anymore; yesterday my sister told me that she had something to tell me...that it was probably not the right time because it wasn't happy news...I was just dying..(no pun intended) What she told me was indeed not good since it was related to her grieving about my dad, but I thought "something happened to my mom, my brother, grandma...(fill in the blank)"

Death is as natural as birth, and I know that my dad is happier than he was when he was alive. But the feeling of loss is really hard.

I really hope that my boss is fine, I know that there is no need to worry until the diagnosis comes back since there is nothing that anybody can do at this point. Sorry for sounding so down...I'll put an update on his health status.

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